This past year I wrestled a lot with how to grieve. And the days leading up to his birthday I struggled again with this whole 'mothering a missing child'. I finally decided to release myself of my expectations and to just keep the simple traditions. Allowing myself to celebrate and grieve as the feeling come. It was freeing.
It also could have been the fact that it's been 3 years. Each year, altho the feelings of sadness and grief are still very real, it gets easier. The pain is more tender than gut-wrenching...but that also could be just the cycle of grief at the moment - the gut-wrenching might be waiting for me around the corner...
As we were praying for our supper meal, I found myself thanking God for our family. Thanking Him for Brennan. I would never ask Him for pain, but I would never want Him to have spared us Brennan's life.
I also couldn't help but envision a third little body around our table. I would have been a different mother, but that aching void would be filled...
Ahh, the many incomplete and confusing thoughts of life. We all have them don't we?...and since I don't know where this is going, I'll just say,
Happy Birthday my beautiful firstborn. We love you & miss you.
5 comments:
Lovely!
love that you are just allowing yourself to grieve freely and without expectations. thought a lot about you.
Happy third birthday, Brennan! You've blessed so many lives - your mommy and daddy's and your brother's and sister's of course - but other people's too. You sure have been blessed mine! I'm sure you are having the most wonderful celebration with Jesus and all of your little friends in heaven. So glad that you and Owen are buddies (tell him his mommy sends kisses). Happy birthday!
Thinking of you and your precious Brennan.
Thinking of you as you remember your first born.....
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