Sometimes I lie...

Moving to a new place brings lots of those questions & conversations,
-"Where are you from?"
-"What does your husband do?"
-"Do you work?"
-"When are you due?"
-"Is this your first?"
-"How many other kids do you have?....."

I lie on that last one.  Most times I lie and say 2, but sometimes I lie and say 3....
I lose either way.

I feel...

...on cloud 9?
Seems kind weird not really having a big event or experience happen to me to say that, but it's just a lot of little things that are adding up.
Maybe it's because I am fully in the thick of 2nd trimester.  I feel rested and energetic!  For a while I wasn't sure I would ever crawl out of my exhausted hole but now I feel so good.
I'm kind of giddy.
Spring is in the air so I'm sure that is helping too!  I cleaned out some of our flower beds this afternoon with Kellan.  It's fun starting a new (smaller!) yard.  It has lots of potential and we have lots of ideas.  Nothing grand or anything just a cute yard and an outside place to call our own.  I'm pretty sure I will be spending A LOT of time out there this summer being ginormously pregnant and settling into life with this third (fourth) little blessing.
I'm reading a psychology book on families and it is suuuuper interesting.  Learning lots about me and both of our immediate families.
And I guess the BIGGEST excitement for me today was a phone call from a director of a couple funeral homes in the area.  He wants to be the 'Title Supporter' for our Okanagan Walk to Remember.  Seriously, I was blown away!!!  I hope to blog over here soon about it.
I had a midwife appt this am.  She is fantastic!  All is well in babyland.  I hope to write a post about baby progress soon - just waiting until I look decent enough to take a picture ;)
Another great event that happened recently was Brian's sisters wedding!!!  It was a resort/retreat style wedding so we spent 4 days at a gorgeous rustic camp/resort and had an amazing time with friends and family.  And we are super excited to finally have Wendell as our brother!!

Hmmm...what else is contributing to my cloud 9 state?...

We finally painted and finished our living room!  I'll try to get some before & after pics up soon!

Most of the winter driving is over for Brian so I'm enjoying him home an extra hour or two everyday.  It was glorious having him to myself for a couple extra days last week too!

Well, I better finish up my days work and find my way to bed.

I just reread this.  Wow, that was random! Sorry...

Could it get any better?

- an unexpected day off for Brian making us get a full weekend (and it even happen to be his birthday!!!)
- a sleep in Saturday and waking up to fresh coffee (and finally enjoying coffee again!)
- kids getting over their colds
- little girl still sleeping at 8:30
- Brian's famous weekend waffles for breakfast and leftover birthday sushi and cake for lunch
- a day with nothing planned except coffees, afternoon walks, little house projects
- AND a date night planned for the birthday guy at a fancy shmancy restaurant in the 'bigger city'

Happy Weekending!!

Home

I've been asking myself lately "how long will it take to feel at home?"
"How long until we're settled?"

We call these 4 walls 'home'.  But does it feel like 'home'?  No.
It's very familiar.
I know which step to skip when walking upstairs at night so the squeak won't wake the kids.
I know how you have to push hard on the front door so the lock catches.
I know, when turning on the gas stove in the family room, you have to hit it a couple times before the wires connect....not a great thing is it?
I know you have to turn the hot water tap in the tub a little tighter otherwise it drips.

This house is familiar, but it's not quite 'home'.

I still get caught going in circles trying to remember which cupboard or which drawer the cups or spoons are.
I still hit the wrong garage door button when parking Brian's work truck.
I'm still learning which light switch turns on the entry way light and which turn on the outside lights.
I still lie awake a night trying to figure out each bang and creak as the house settles down for the night.

A friend, who has moved numerous times growing up and in adulthood, told me one time, that it takes about a year to feel at home in a new spot.  Experiencing each season in that new house, yard and town.

We like it here.  We love our house.  The church is warm and we're getting comfortable there.  There are kinks and bumps we are figuring out with jobs and such.  I have met a few of our close neighbors but the winter has locked a few others up in their homes.  I know how to get around town and even know a few of the back routes, but taking wrong turns or getting lost is still not uncommon for me.

I've never really made a big move like this before.  I did a few years at college but those towns/cities were already familiar to me.
I feel like I'm growing up.  Moving away from all that I know and stepping out into the unknown with my husband.  I love it.  I love taking this huge plunge with the ones I love.  Making our own way.  Pushing us out of our comfort zone but pushing us closer together and closer to our God.
Even though my world is a bit chaotic and confusing and we aren't quite 'home', we have found 'home' in our Fathers arms; peace and comfort in this crazy, exciting and scary journey.

4 years...

I have decided that the years haven't gotten easier.  The 4th is definitely easier than the 1st....but 2, 3, & 4....feels the same to me....

Yesterday was *good*.  Started out raw but God sent little 'winks' to me all throughout the day.

I'm going to tell you about those 'winks' (as a friend likes to refer to them as :)

- a few texts & messages in the morning (and days leading up to) from people who remembered.  Thankful for people who grieve *with* us...and not just when I remind them....

- a very touching and blessed gift from a friend.  Read her blog here.  Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

- special notes and FB messages - thanks for caring and praying for us

- 2 beautiful bouquets of flowers.  I look forward to these ones every year :)  A single red rose from Brian's parents and 4 orange roses for his '4th' birthday from a dear friend (I told her yesterday that I am excited for his 25th or even 50th birthday to come along!! ;) )

- after a long and empty search for some cute cupcakes (you'd think since we live in a city that would be easy to find) I came across a cheese cake.  The same kind Bri and I gorged ourselves on in a hotel room in the mountains on a little getaway after we had Brennan.... Made me smile since I had totally forgot and wasn't even trying to find it!

- a fun evening together as a family.  Our traditional Brennan supper, a snowball fight with balloons :), singing "Happy Birthday!" dessert, and extra cuddles again at bedtime.

- and the most special one of all....it was more of a God hug....yes I felt baby move!!!  And it wasn't even just a "i think so" flutter, it was 5 solid "I AM HERE" soft kicks!  (Thanks for praying with me on this one :)

Snapshots of our evening...

Love you sweet firstborn.  Always will.

On this eve

I knew this post would come eventually, just have no idea how it will turn out....I guess we will find out...

We have a few things planned for tomorrow.  Some traditions are on the list but I'm thinking we will mostly just ride the waves and see where we drift.  I find the eve of his birthday always a little harder than the actual day itself.  I'm thinking this year will be no different - so far it's true.   And a bit similar to those 1460 days ago - the nightmarish eve, then the day of his birth brought all things bittersweet (heavy on the heart wrenching still....)

Today (since the kids are still recovering from the flu) we stayed home from church.  I got all fired up about getting my Walk to Remember sponsorship letters off and worked hard all day.  Tweaked and finalized the letter, made labels and addressed 50(ish?) envelopes and was ready to push print on the letters but then I came across some snags.... Anyways, I ended up frustrated, overwhelmed, and the emotions of the impending tomorrow crept up on me.
That progressed to a big family cry on the bed and a veeeeery drawn out bedtime routine/cuddle - holding those little ones closer than usual.  And now I'm here.....

(sorry if this is random.....this is me just fighting out my thoughts, emotions and tears....)


I wonder if these birthdays will ever get easier?  Maybe it's because every year I am jacked up on pregnancy or breastfeeding hormones.....  or maybe it's just my broken mamma's heart....
Speaking of pregnancy, I'm praying that God lets me feel this wee one for the first time tomorrow.  Wouldn't that be the greatest gift ever?!!  I've been thinking for a week or two that it should be any day now..... I hope babe is holding out for tomorrow.

I came across this picture the other day.  His face made me catch my breath.  Looks so innocently sweet....

  

But amongst all these tears and the gut wrenching pain, I find myself so, so grateful.
Praying that God will use this heartache to help others....

And now I'm going to go give my brain and heart a rest and watch the latest mindless episode of the Bachelor..... ;)

What I've learned through this...

The other day my husband commented that this journey has been as hard as when we lost Brennan.
I second that.
It's been hard on me, on us as a little family, but I know for certain that it has been the hardest on my man.
Feelings of worthlessness.  Putting his heart and soul into something for 8 years and watch it just be thrown away like it was nothing.  Knowing he is a good working but just wanting someone to see that.  Having visions of not being able to provide for his family.  Feeling like he is making bad decisions and doesn't want to be left looking stupid.
The hardest part for me is watching him hurt.
Me, I can be a mother and a nurse anywhere.  I am open to whatever and wherever.
I am a strong believer in how women (for the most part) get their 'self worth' from being nurturers - wives & mothers; and men getting their 'self worth' from their jobs.
So thats why I know it is so hard on him.  Why it rivals the pain from when we buried our son.

I haven't exactly figured out what I've learned through this.  But I am learning.  The fog is still so, so thick....as in the sale of our house fell through and feeling as though we back at square one.  Questioning God and not getting clear answers.  Contemplating putting in our notice of resignation since so many red flags are popping up and so many signs are pointing to 'no'.

I know we will take so many good things from this experience - a deeper marriage, stronger faith in God, more openess & communication, humility (oh how I dread facing people and saying things didn't work out...)
But oh how I long for normalcy.  A place to call home.  We have a house but our hearts aren't here anymore.

I guess that wasn't the best title for this post.  But I've learned that life is hard and it isn't getting any easier. 
And that my hope is in HIM alone.  We are at the point where we having nothing in ourselves that we can rely on so He is where we were forced to turn to...and I have a sneaking suspicion that that's what He wants us to learn....

Our little family

I was sitting on the freshly vacuumed (by my husband!) living room floor, folding a mish mash of little, pink, boy, big, soft & blue laundry with a buzz of life around me.  A little girl jumping in the doorway next to me, a little jammie clad boy playing air drums and beatboxing while running circles around me, and my love unloading the dishwasher in the kitchen nearby.
My well of love inside me was over flowing and I just sat & smiled.
"I love our little family" I said with a sigh.
"Ya?" I heard him reply behind me, "it's all right I guess..."

Punk.

Grandma Alice

Aaltje V......
(September 19, 1923- March 12, 2011)

Ali was born in Groningen, Holland on September 19, 1923. She was the second child in her family with an older brother, Albert.  After her younger brother, Arie was born her mother passed away of childbed fever. She spent the rest of her childhood growing up first in her grandparent’s home and then later in foster homes.
As an adult Ali worked in the Bartimeus Blind Institute. She eventually went to work as a housekeeper for Cornelis V...... and his 4 children, Maartje, Ria, Ben and Janneke in Delft. She married him in August 1951. After their 3 oldest children, Marian, Bert and Rudy were born they immigrated to Canada and lived in Edmonton for 10 years. 2 more children, Ena and Andrew were born there.  During those years she helped supplement the family income by taking in foster babies, sometimes three at a time. She also worked for the Edmonton School Board as a janitor.  In 1967, the family moved to Ladner, BC where their youngest child, Mitchell was born. During the next few years both Maartje and Janneke and their families moved from Holland to Ladner to be close to their father. Cornelis V...... died in 1973 after a short battle with cancer.
Ali continued to live in Ladner for a number of years in a condo close to the village and later moved to Covenant Court in Richmond.  In later years she moved to Ebenezer Home in Abbotsford and in 2005, she moved to Ladner’s Westshore Laylum to be closer to her daughters.
Ali had a substantial amount of health concerns that affected her quality of life and the ability to live independently. Her limited eyesight made her a member of the CNIB for life. A severe illness in 1986 which resulted in the need for blood transfusions left her with Hepititis C and a chronic tiredness for the rest of her life.
Ali loved to knit and do crafts. Her grandchildren were the recipients of many of those knitted creations. She also biked and took the bus everywhere she could when her health was still good.
Ali leaves behind her 6 children:
Marian & Tony  (Bob & Cara – Evan, Ryder, Anaya; Corrie; Brian & Jen – Brennan†, Kellan, Kalli; Jordan & Vanessa)
Bert & Carey (Nikki & Lance – Natasha)
Rudy
Ena
Andrew & Phoebe (Casey, Tyler)
Mitch & Kate (Evie)
and her 4 step-children:
Maartje, Janneke, Ria & Ben and their families.
 

Winter get-away

We're home.
Oh wait, did you even know I was gone?
Well we were.  And it was great!
We took a 5 day holiday complete with visiting relatives & a good friend, meeting new friends, and spending a few days with my family in the mountains.
It was Brians birthday the day we were visiting my aunt & uncle, so a birthday cake was added to the menu:

A lovely visit with some friend, cuddles with the babies, and possibly even some Dance Dance Revolution...

A sleigh ride through the mountains:

Pedicures with the girls:

We ate lots of good food, did some shopping and enjoyed a break from the humdrum winter.
Oh, and it was our anniversary yesterday too.
It fits!

Girlies & Babies

Does nursing give any of you moms a craving for sugar?  Or is that just my excuse for my increased addiction to chocolate and licorice?
Thankfully, my metabolism is awesome after having babies.

I'm not sure how the last 6 months went by so quickly, but our little girls 1/2 birthday is this week!

Speaking of BIRTHdays, welcome to the world sweet little black haired beauty...who remains nameless at the moment because she suprised her parents by coming early.  My friend (who I blogged about on my last post) went into labour last night and welcomed their new baby girl early this morning.  She also welcomed the flu bug into their family...er should I say 'not so welcomed'.  Poor mama....
She said I could come visit today, but I think I'll give them a day to settle then go hold that fresh little bundle in the morning.  Can't wait!

I don't think I mentioned this yet (and hopefully I have permission!)....but I'm going to be an auntie again this summer!  We're hoping for a little boy to carry on 'my side of the family' name.  But another little girlie would be fun to help keep Kellan in line :) 
This new little one put some imaginary pressure on us.  My bro & his wife have 2 girls and between our 3 and this new one, there is 9-10 months between each kid.  I imaginarily tossed the ball into their court after we had Kalli, but they suprisingly threw it right back!  Eeek!  Sorry we might have to 'drop the ball' on this one B! ;)

Well, that's enough talk about babies at the moment, and since mine are both sleeping, I should go be productive!......and by productive, I mean take a nap! ;)

Three

Three years. Has it really been that long?

We had a beautiful day yesterday. A day of celebration, memories, sadness, joyfulness & thanksgiving. A time of holding our earthly children a little bit tighter and reflecting on those moments we held that sweet frail body. Bittersweet beauty.
This past year I wrestled a lot with how to grieve. And the days leading up to his birthday I struggled again with this whole 'mothering a missing child'. I finally decided to release myself of my expectations and to just keep the simple traditions.  Allowing myself to celebrate and grieve as the feeling come. It was freeing.
It also could have been the fact that it's been 3 years. Each year, altho the feelings of sadness and grief are still very real, it gets easier. The pain is more tender than gut-wrenching...but that also could be just the cycle of grief at the moment - the gut-wrenching might be waiting for me around the corner...
As we were praying for our supper meal, I found myself thanking God for our family. Thanking Him for Brennan. I would never ask Him for pain, but I would never want Him to have spared us Brennan's life.
I also couldn't help but envision a third little body around our table. I would have been a different mother, but that aching void would be filled...
Ahh, the many incomplete and confusing thoughts of life. We all have them don't we?...and since I don't know where this is going, I'll just say,
Happy Birthday my beautiful firstborn. We love you & miss you.

Virtual Christmas Card

You might get one of these in the mail....
...that is if I get around to printing them.
If not, well,
MERRY CHRISTMAS FROM THE vT's!

It's a bit early but our Christmas starts in 2 days!!!
(wee bit excited)

Another Update

Lorelle got out of the hospital today!
She was feeling well enought that the Dr's let her go!
She had a great night last night but tires out very quickly so has to take it easy. But really, she did just have brain surgery.
Not many people can say that.
We're Thanking the Lord a lot these days!

Normalcy

Life just kinda creeps along.
You wake up one morning and find yourself in something you call regular life. The craziness of those first 'new baby' weeks have passed and you have settled into a rythym. Everyone gets used to each other and that family of 3 is a distant memory.
And as much as I love those bleary eyed moments where you aren't sure if it's day or night, I'm sure loving these days that we now call our life.

Update

Just got a short text from my brother.
She's out of surgery and doing good! Surgery went great!
Couldn't ask him too many questions since his phone way dying....
Thanks for praying!

Louie

So, there is this guy, Louie. I don't like him.
I mean I REALLY don't like him!
I've never really met him, but his presence is very unwelcome.
You see, Louie is a little tumor that is growing inside my sister-in-law's brain.
My s-i-l, Lorelle, is no stranger to tumors. A few years ago, Louie's 'older brother' made a cozy little home close to where Louie is right now. He inflicted severe headaches on Lorelle, as well as many other unpleasantries. She had that (Ependymoma tumor) removed about 4 1/2 years ago but was left with the severe headaches and again some unpleasantries.

Lorelle is looking ahead to surgery, radiation, and probably a long & painful recovery. With that weighing heavy on her heart and mind (literally!) she has chosen to live joyfully and making every moment count.
I really am amazed at her strength and beauty.
Her humor is stinkin' hilarious too! This is one of our favorite FB status' she wrote a couple weeks ago:

Lorelle lol....what's on my mind? Hmmmm....maybe facebook needs to ask me a different question.....

Tomorrow is the big day. Tomorrow morning at 7:20, Lorelle will be wheeled into the OR to say goodbye to her unwelcome guest. I plan to set my alarm for 7:20 to lift her up in prayer. Do you mind doing the same? Not necessarily setting your alarm, but if you find a minute in your day can you remember her (and my bro)?
I, and I'm pretty sure she, would really appreciate that!

Giving Thanks

Cuddles? Kiss!?

We couldn't have asked for a better big brother for our little girl.
Only minor injuries have resulted from his loving touch...