The other day my husband commented that this journey has been as hard as when we lost Brennan.
I second that.
It's been hard on me, on us as a little family, but I know for certain that it has been the hardest on my man.
Feelings of worthlessness. Putting his heart and soul into something for 8 years and watch it just be thrown away like it was nothing. Knowing he is a good working but just wanting someone to see that. Having visions of not being able to provide for his family. Feeling like he is making bad decisions and doesn't want to be left looking stupid.
The hardest part for me is watching him hurt.
Me, I can be a mother and a nurse anywhere. I am open to whatever and wherever.
I am a strong believer in how women (for the most part) get their 'self worth' from being nurturers - wives & mothers; and men getting their 'self worth' from their jobs.
So thats why I know it is so hard on him. Why it rivals the pain from when we buried our son.
I haven't exactly figured out what I've learned through this. But I am learning. The fog is still so, so thick....as in the sale of our house fell through and feeling as though we back at square one. Questioning God and not getting clear answers. Contemplating putting in our notice of resignation since so many red flags are popping up and so many signs are pointing to 'no'.
I know we will take so many good things from this experience - a deeper marriage, stronger faith in God, more openess & communication, humility (oh how I dread facing people and saying things didn't work out...)
But oh how I long for normalcy. A place to call home. We have a house but our hearts aren't here anymore.
I guess that wasn't the best title for this post. But I've learned that life is hard and it isn't getting any easier.
And that my hope is in HIM alone. We are at the point where we having nothing in ourselves that we can rely on so He is where we were forced to turn to...and I have a sneaking suspicion that that's what He wants us to learn....
8 comments:
Oh no Jen!!! I can't believe it :( I'm SO sorry! I will continue praying for this situation to get sorted out soon and that another buyer will come along quickly.
praying for strength and hope for both of you through this time!
So sorry to hear that. Hopefully the Lord will open some others doors and give you some clear direction. Waiting, wondering, confusion, and disappointment are certainly hard on the faith. Will pray for you guys.
From the end of the earth will I cry unto thee, when my heart is overwhelmed: lead me to the rock that is higher than I. Psalm 61:2
Humble yourselves therefore under the mighty hand of God, that he may exalt you in due time: Casting all your care upon him; for he careth for you. Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil, as a roaring lion, walketh about, seeking whom he may devour: Whom resist stedfast in the faith, knowing that the same afflictions are accomplished in your brethren that are in the world. But the God of all grace, who hath called us unto his eternal glory by Christ Jesus, after that ye have suffered a while, make you perfect, stablish, strengthen, settle you. 1 Peter 5:6-10
I'll pray!
j - when we left Daysland, our little house didn't sell for awhile at first. For the first month, we lived apart - Neil coming back when he could - living in a ratty hotel room up north & me, coping, cleaning & praying our darling house would sell soon. Finally, Neil found a little 4plex for us to rent & we stayed there (leaving our house empty) till it finally sold & we were able to buy.
i feel for you - mostly the horrible inability of trying to support your man when he's kicked & down... there's nothing worse.
i wonder if the major struggle is wondering "what next" - whereas with sweet little brennan, you were gently shepherded each and every step of the way. Take a deep breath, and ask Him - maybe He wants you to quit... or maybe He wants you to hold the course - just a little longer - 'cause He's going to do something very cool...
The Father knows that you long to hear His voice, j. i wish i could talk to you in person.
We might come through that way mid August. i'll msg you.
Praying for you - for peace and a certainty in what you are to do - each day... not for weeks in advance, but for that day.
Praying for Brian - for favour at his work, for confidence and assurance as he interfaces with the world on your behalf.
For happy little ones - to lighten the load, and bring joy to weary pilgrims.
You're in the palm of His hand, j.
Oh Jen, I'm sorry. I definately know what you mean... I can relate to your whole post. I'll pray that you know exactly what to do.
Praying that you have perfect peace that can only come from the Father...
Sending you & your little family love.
Oh Jen...
The road is sometimes very long and incredibly wearying. God *does* have a plan, but not having a single clue what it is, is disappointing and downright painful.
We have been there, though not to the extent that you guys are going through right now. God hears the cries of your hearts; He sees, He knows, and He cares. I will be praying for both of you in the coming days and weeks. *hugs*
M.
Garth & I can have been in your shoes...not with the sale of a house, but with the job uncertainties, wondering if we'd made the right decision, wondering what God was trying to teach us...
It's not easy when you're walking through the fire, but God is shaping you and molding you as only He can. You're right...you will be stronger as a result of the trials. Your marriage will be stronger, you will be stronger as a person, your relationship with God will be stronger.
Praying that this will all calm down soon and God will illuminate the path you are to take.
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