4 years...

I have decided that the years haven't gotten easier.  The 4th is definitely easier than the 1st....but 2, 3, & 4....feels the same to me....

Yesterday was *good*.  Started out raw but God sent little 'winks' to me all throughout the day.

I'm going to tell you about those 'winks' (as a friend likes to refer to them as :)

- a few texts & messages in the morning (and days leading up to) from people who remembered.  Thankful for people who grieve *with* us...and not just when I remind them....

- a very touching and blessed gift from a friend.  Read her blog here.  Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

- special notes and FB messages - thanks for caring and praying for us

- 2 beautiful bouquets of flowers.  I look forward to these ones every year :)  A single red rose from Brian's parents and 4 orange roses for his '4th' birthday from a dear friend (I told her yesterday that I am excited for his 25th or even 50th birthday to come along!! ;) )

- after a long and empty search for some cute cupcakes (you'd think since we live in a city that would be easy to find) I came across a cheese cake.  The same kind Bri and I gorged ourselves on in a hotel room in the mountains on a little getaway after we had Brennan.... Made me smile since I had totally forgot and wasn't even trying to find it!

- a fun evening together as a family.  Our traditional Brennan supper, a snowball fight with balloons :), singing "Happy Birthday!" dessert, and extra cuddles again at bedtime.

- and the most special one of all....it was more of a God hug....yes I felt baby move!!!  And it wasn't even just a "i think so" flutter, it was 5 solid "I AM HERE" soft kicks!  (Thanks for praying with me on this one :)

Snapshots of our evening...

Love you sweet firstborn.  Always will.

On this eve

I knew this post would come eventually, just have no idea how it will turn out....I guess we will find out...

We have a few things planned for tomorrow.  Some traditions are on the list but I'm thinking we will mostly just ride the waves and see where we drift.  I find the eve of his birthday always a little harder than the actual day itself.  I'm thinking this year will be no different - so far it's true.   And a bit similar to those 1460 days ago - the nightmarish eve, then the day of his birth brought all things bittersweet (heavy on the heart wrenching still....)

Today (since the kids are still recovering from the flu) we stayed home from church.  I got all fired up about getting my Walk to Remember sponsorship letters off and worked hard all day.  Tweaked and finalized the letter, made labels and addressed 50(ish?) envelopes and was ready to push print on the letters but then I came across some snags.... Anyways, I ended up frustrated, overwhelmed, and the emotions of the impending tomorrow crept up on me.
That progressed to a big family cry on the bed and a veeeeery drawn out bedtime routine/cuddle - holding those little ones closer than usual.  And now I'm here.....

(sorry if this is random.....this is me just fighting out my thoughts, emotions and tears....)


I wonder if these birthdays will ever get easier?  Maybe it's because every year I am jacked up on pregnancy or breastfeeding hormones.....  or maybe it's just my broken mamma's heart....
Speaking of pregnancy, I'm praying that God lets me feel this wee one for the first time tomorrow.  Wouldn't that be the greatest gift ever?!!  I've been thinking for a week or two that it should be any day now..... I hope babe is holding out for tomorrow.

I came across this picture the other day.  His face made me catch my breath.  Looks so innocently sweet....

  

But amongst all these tears and the gut wrenching pain, I find myself so, so grateful.
Praying that God will use this heartache to help others....

And now I'm going to go give my brain and heart a rest and watch the latest mindless episode of the Bachelor..... ;)

Prayer.....part 1/?

This has been on my heart lots the past few months.
Prayer.
I prayed a prayer almost exactly 4 years ago (I'm sure I could find out the exact date in my journal but I don't want to 'go there' right now...)
Can't remember if I've blogged about this before, but the prayer was something along the lines of this:

Dear God,
I feel like my faith is weak.  I want to have passion for you and to fully trust in you.  Please draw near to me and help me to see You.  I don't know what this looks like, but please, please don't take my husband or growing child!......but if You do.....please NEVER leave me....


And then January 23rd came along.

Do I regret praying that prayer?  No.
Did God answer my prayer and was He faithful? YES!
Did my faith grow and give me a passions for Him?  Yes.
So, what is my problem?  I'm scared to pray.
I'm scared to hurt.
But don't you see the beauty in that pain and how you have grown?  Yes.
But I never, ever, want to relive that pain again.  Nor anything like it.
So here I am, paralyzed by the fear to pray.
Don't get me wrong, I pray, but I am very cautious with my wording and often prayers are cut short or simplified.
"Dear God, keep Brian safe as he works."
I'm scared even to the point of asking for simple things like humility or patience.
I've learned that those prayers usually mean I will have to hurt.
I don't want to hurt.  Again.  Anymore.

Does that mean I don't have faith? I don't know.
Don't I want to grow in character and most importantly, God? Yes!

But I'm scared.  To pray.

I haven't really struggled with this the past 4 years, since that night, but definitely the past few months.
I've shoved it aside for a while but I know that it is time to face it.
So, here I am.  Scared.

Christmas is hard when someone is missing.  And even though I don't have any Christmas memories of Brennan he is brought to the forefront of my heart.  Maybe it's because I don't have any Christmas memories.  The fact that they were robbed from me might be that sting....
We celebrated him this Christmas season though.  Sent a shoebox in memory of him through Operation Christmas Child....
Had a 'family' night in honor of him with a special Christmas book and DVD for the kids and a gingerbread train we decorated as a family....
Our little family opened presents together on Thursday and he had a special ornament in his stocking....
Still miss him.
Thankful for friends who made sure his grave was taken care of when we are away...
Still miss him though...

Family night

(our family candles...there is starting to be quite the row!)

Shoebox

Babies have been on my mind lots lately.  New pregnacy announcements.  Adoption excitement.  Shushing colicky nephews.  Aches from heavenly ones.  Watching friends hurt and struggle through miscarriages. 
I went into the kids bedroom the other day to linger on that familiar framed picture, only to be reminded that I packed it away for house showing purposes.  Only 2 baby pictures were left up on the wall...
It's one of those mornings where sadness, thankfulness sorrow and memories are all mixed together.  A rainbow and storm of emotions clashing and mixing...with the sun fighting through the clouds...

40 Weeks

I just finished this reeeeally good book I want to tell you about....

40 Weeks - by Paige Beselt (a dear friend of mine!)
It is a story written through the journal of a young woman, sharing her thoughts & experiences of pregnancy following the loss of her unborn child.
It beautifully captures the importance of life as 'Anna' experiences a miscarriage, fights for the dignity & fair treatment of the residents in the care home she works in, watches a family member suffer the effects of a stroke and as she journeys through another pregnancy.  Anna's tender heart displays God's love for everyone even those forgotten and often tossed aside.
She struggles through fear & anxiety with this new life growing withing her, but she also rests in God's loving arms and perfect comfort.
Her marriage is blend of deep affection and sweet friendship - a beautiful testament of love.

I buried myself in this book for a day and a half and found myself being brought back to our own journey and many times I wasn't sure if I was reading a book or reliving the emotions of 3 years ago.  I also could sense the authors heart in many of the pages.  Having lost two of her own precious babies, Paige shares her tenderness towards and her passion for life - especially those who are weak and helpless.

I strongly encourage you to get a copy for yourself or someone you know who would be blessed by this.  Any mother, especially those who have experienced the loss of a child, would find comfort in this story - knowing that every life, even the tiny ones, are loved and used by God - the One who created all things.

Stay tuned for a giveaway!!!
To order a copy click here. 
For more of Paige's writings, visit her blog: http://sojourner-ephraim.blogspot.com/

Grandma Alice

Aaltje V......
(September 19, 1923- March 12, 2011)

Ali was born in Groningen, Holland on September 19, 1923. She was the second child in her family with an older brother, Albert.  After her younger brother, Arie was born her mother passed away of childbed fever. She spent the rest of her childhood growing up first in her grandparent’s home and then later in foster homes.
As an adult Ali worked in the Bartimeus Blind Institute. She eventually went to work as a housekeeper for Cornelis V...... and his 4 children, Maartje, Ria, Ben and Janneke in Delft. She married him in August 1951. After their 3 oldest children, Marian, Bert and Rudy were born they immigrated to Canada and lived in Edmonton for 10 years. 2 more children, Ena and Andrew were born there.  During those years she helped supplement the family income by taking in foster babies, sometimes three at a time. She also worked for the Edmonton School Board as a janitor.  In 1967, the family moved to Ladner, BC where their youngest child, Mitchell was born. During the next few years both Maartje and Janneke and their families moved from Holland to Ladner to be close to their father. Cornelis V...... died in 1973 after a short battle with cancer.
Ali continued to live in Ladner for a number of years in a condo close to the village and later moved to Covenant Court in Richmond.  In later years she moved to Ebenezer Home in Abbotsford and in 2005, she moved to Ladner’s Westshore Laylum to be closer to her daughters.
Ali had a substantial amount of health concerns that affected her quality of life and the ability to live independently. Her limited eyesight made her a member of the CNIB for life. A severe illness in 1986 which resulted in the need for blood transfusions left her with Hepititis C and a chronic tiredness for the rest of her life.
Ali loved to knit and do crafts. Her grandchildren were the recipients of many of those knitted creations. She also biked and took the bus everywhere she could when her health was still good.
Ali leaves behind her 6 children:
Marian & Tony  (Bob & Cara – Evan, Ryder, Anaya; Corrie; Brian & Jen – Brennan†, Kellan, Kalli; Jordan & Vanessa)
Bert & Carey (Nikki & Lance – Natasha)
Rudy
Ena
Andrew & Phoebe (Casey, Tyler)
Mitch & Kate (Evie)
and her 4 step-children:
Maartje, Janneke, Ria & Ben and their families.
 

The box

As I was in our storage room pulling down a box of craft supplies to help pass the time on a cold day, I saw the box.  It's a 'Grand & Toy' paper box that is labeled with a Sharpie.  In my handwriting it reads "BRENNAN".  I usually just push it aside, but this time I lifted it down to look inside.  I caught my breath as my eyes found the familiar receiving blanket.  I buried my face in it hoping to be reminded of a smell, but all I could smell was laundry soap.  I wishwishwish I hadn't washed it.  I saw the big stack of sympathy cards, recalling how thankful I was for so many people to recognize his life...and death.  I paged through a couple books - some we were given and some we had bought.  And I found an envelope with extra pictures I didn't scrapbook and lingered on that wee little body printed on glossy paper. 
A little voice and a fussy baby calling from upstairs brought me back to earth.  I packed it back up and put that box back on the shelf, inbetween the scrapbooking tote and the box of Instruction Manuals.
Oh little one.  I wish your life wasn't packed away in boxes sitting on dusty shelves....or deep in the earths dirt.  But know that your memory is tucked in safe within my heart.

Silent grieving

Over the past week or two, obviously Brennan has been on my mind. A friend of mine posted a bit about her grief and wrote how lonely it is. I too find it such a lonely road, but then I got thinking about how blessed we have been to have so many of the 'little things' that other grieving parents don't have and experienced some beautiful moments that many miss out on. I think this is one of the differences between having a miscarriage and having a stillborn. We got to hold our child, take pictures, kiss soft cheeks and wrap him in blankets. So many parents catch glimpses of their lost children in forms of a flush of a toilet or the contents of a biohazard container in an OR room. No blankets or outfits are folded and placed in memory boxes. No pictures of soft forms with blood red lips grace bookshelves or mantles. Few words of comfort or condolence are given since the news of a coming baby wasn't yet spread and the parents don't feel allowed to utter the word 'miscarriage' in public.
There is no difference in the fact that they were beautifully created beings formed by the hands of God.
Oh, how I ache for you moms & families. So sorry for your losses and feeling selfish in my grief.

I'm sorry this is so raw and unedited.  I have a hard time writing gently sometimes or looking at things from different/all point-of-views.  I'm just grieving for you parents that feel alone in your loss.
I pray that you are comforted in the fact that God holds your tiny babies in His loving arms.

Three

Three years. Has it really been that long?

We had a beautiful day yesterday. A day of celebration, memories, sadness, joyfulness & thanksgiving. A time of holding our earthly children a little bit tighter and reflecting on those moments we held that sweet frail body. Bittersweet beauty.
This past year I wrestled a lot with how to grieve. And the days leading up to his birthday I struggled again with this whole 'mothering a missing child'. I finally decided to release myself of my expectations and to just keep the simple traditions.  Allowing myself to celebrate and grieve as the feeling come. It was freeing.
It also could have been the fact that it's been 3 years. Each year, altho the feelings of sadness and grief are still very real, it gets easier. The pain is more tender than gut-wrenching...but that also could be just the cycle of grief at the moment - the gut-wrenching might be waiting for me around the corner...
As we were praying for our supper meal, I found myself thanking God for our family. Thanking Him for Brennan. I would never ask Him for pain, but I would never want Him to have spared us Brennan's life.
I also couldn't help but envision a third little body around our table. I would have been a different mother, but that aching void would be filled...
Ahh, the many incomplete and confusing thoughts of life. We all have them don't we?...and since I don't know where this is going, I'll just say,
Happy Birthday my beautiful firstborn. We love you & miss you.

Blue Monday

I'm not a depressed person or one who rides the super highs and super lows of emotions...but there is a certain week in the year that stretches me in those areas.  Coincidentally that week is also the same week as the most depressive day of the year: Blue Monday.
Go figure.  I guess I midaswell get it over with.

I'm in prep mode. 
I am a planner.  But I am also learning that you can't plan grief. 
I guess I'm just preparing my heart and mind for a certain 3 year olds birthday.

Merry Christmas Brennan

Over the years I've struggled with *doing* things for Brennan. And as a Mom of a heavenly babe - that is a very hard thing to do.
So when Christmas (and birthdays) comes around I feel like if there isn't something in his stocking, or if we don't *do* anything to celebrate him, I feel like a bad mom.
I've also learned that even though it's kind of a silly thing to do (buy gifts, etc. for a little boy who will never get them/play with them), I still do it because it's something that helps me grieve. It's not like I go out and buy bags of toys or clothes, but I buy little things that we can remember him by or in honour of him.
So, this Christmas I decided to fill a shoe box *for* him through Operation Christmas Child.
The other day we went on a little shopping trip, picking out things that I thought he would have liked. Even the physical process of packing around 2 kids (in the toy section no doubt!) had a way of making me feel like I was *doing* something for my little boy.
Last night we packed the shoe box.




There is also the option of writing a letter to the child who will be receiving the box. Most likely this '2-4 year old boy' won't really totally understand my note, but it felt good to write it too.

I'm bumping along this path of figuring out how to be a 'angel' mom, and this year I've made some progress.

Merry Christmas little guy.

October 15th

www.october15th.com

Q&A

A blogger friend wrote a post on grief and asked these questions at the end. As I started to answer them in the comment box I decided to just post them...

I want to know if you think about them often....
I don't think I intentionally think of him every day, but I do subconsciously. We have a few framed pictures of him around and I wear a necklace with his inital so his memory is obvious in our house and daily lives.
Lately, because of Kalli's birth he's been on my mind more. I guess most of my memories of him involve tiny fingers & toes and a sweet bundle wrapped up in blankets so my thoughts are often brought to him.

I want to know what reminds you of them....
- orange roses
- the songs 'Everlasting God' and 'Jesus Loves Me'
- y'know that 'W' star consellation? well the very 1st star is 'his'
- ceasar salad


I want to know what you remember most about that pregnancy....
The pure excitement. I felt great and loved being pregnant. It wasn't tainted with fear.

I want to know if their siblings remind you of them....
Every once in a while I will catch a glimpse of Brennan in both Kalli and Kellan. I love it.

What do you think their personality would be....
Huh. I'm not sure. My memories of him are 'tender' and 'fragile', so I guess I picture him as being sensitive and soft-hearted.

What do you look forward to the most in seeing them again someday......
Oh, just to hold him in my arms again.
I long for the day when everything is made right...

I want to know how you grieve and what makes you grieve....
Seasons and special days make me grieve. A 36 week pregnant momma or especially a baby born living at 36 weeks.
I'm still figuring out how to and how I grieve.

And are there certain dates that it seems to hit the hardest.....
- when I hit 36 weeks during a pregnancy
- obviously his birthday and due date

And what were you expecting in grief and how did it surprise you.....
That it takes work. And it's not something that really gets easier or less painful. Sure it doesn't hurt as often, but it can hit and it can hit hard. Well, maybe not as hard as those first couple months....but the last couple of years have felt the same for me...

And what did you learn through their life and death....and through the pain that follows....
I learned the preciousness of life - especially the wee helpless ones.
I learned how to love deeper.

And how did their life change yours and what are you thankful for??
He changed my view on life and motherhood. His life made me a mom. And I am so thankful for his life and how this journey has brought me closer to my Heavenly Father

It was good

It was good. So good.
The sun was bright and warm.
The friends were close and loving.
The conversations were good - but usually not completed because of little ones needing their mommas attention.
The balloons were brightly colored - celebrating the little ones being missed.
The earthly babies were held and cuddled.
The heavenly babies were remembered.
My soul felt good.

I felt more prepared this year. That felt good.
I didn't scramble for words this time as I wrote on the 'memory line'. I came with an idea of what I wanted to write and the words came freely.

As we sat on the cool grass we nursed babies, played with older ones, and listened to the speakers and beautiful harp music. (Except what was up with 'The Flinstones' theme song? Didn't quite seem fitting...)




We walked the paths searching for those precious names. It's something you don't see very often - so when you do, it's lovely.




Then it was the balloon ceremony. Balloons floating up to the clouds as each name is read. Again, it's a beautiful thing hearing your childs voice. Especially when someone else says it. Acknowledging his life.


I like our group. Like, A LOT! Beautiful friendships. Lots of chaos but lots of love.



We need a team name tho. Team Brennan, Jaron, Chavonne, Hope, Caleb & Charis is a bit wordy...

I learned to be more intentional this year. It's hard to really focus amidst friends and the many, many kids, but I found little moments to reflect and think of Brennan.

I'm so thankful for this day. Such a beautiful way to remember those little ones that are so often kept quiet.

How do I?

It's a weird thing. Grief that is.
I'm learning as I go.
Sometimes I roll with the punches. But I've learned that *I* have to prepare for it to - especially for certain days.
One of those days being Saturday.
You see I have a hard time with words. Especially off the cuff.
I am the worst at comebacks and I always think of GREAT things to say when it's way too late.
And it takes me a while to process some things and to determine my feelings about them.
I'm a 'think inside the box' kinda girl so when it comes to something so personal I feel kinda lost.
Anyone know of a book called "How to grieve the loss of your firstborn son - a almost full term baby boy that died because of a cord accident". With specific chapters called "What you are supposed to feel on 'memorial' days" and "how much of your grief you are allowed to share with people" and don't forget "gifts to give a child in heaven".
Maybe when I get all these things figured out I will write that book and make millions...

Fear...

...I've slowly let it creep in the past few days.

I've had moments of it during this pregnancy, but overall it's been a very relaxed, joyful & freeing(?) pregnancy.

I remember going to my 39 week Dr's appointment when I was pregnant with Kellan - being on the verge of tears. I wanted to ask for an induction SO BAD. My argument being that "according to my history, a baby would be MUCH safer on the outside".
But God knew best as all I could do was nod in agreement to everything he said.
This time I friendly greeted my Dr and as he sat down he said: "I have never seen such a calm pregnant woman at this stage of the game. Usually they have that 'crazy' look in their eyes."
I thought of how crazy my eyes must have looked just a short year and a half ago...

Room in my baby's temporary home is getting pretty tight so baby is slowing down.

I'm getting to all the sections in my pregnancy books that gave me 'reassurance' some 2 1/2 years ago.

I guess I've gotten 'cocky' lately and haven't rested in my heavenly Fathers arms.
That's where I'll be if you need me...

I thought I'd be ok

Many thoughts but not many words...
Just remembering that week 36 as we go through this week 36.
'Today' we found out. 'Tomorrow' he was born.
Grateful for & relishing these kicks and wiggles as the memories of his stillness flood me.

Thanks for not forgetting

An elderly lady, who is a patient in our hospital, recently lost one of her daughters. Some coworkers were chatting about how horrible it would be to lose a child, young or old. I was present in the conversations but not really participating until one of them looked at me and said, "you lost a child didn't you Jen?"
Kind of taken aback by her comment and the fact that she included me in that category, I just gave her a 'Thanks for remembering' smile.

Somedays grief is pretty lonely but every now and then I are reminded that people do remember and that his little life touched more people then I know.

More I wishes

I wish I could have been more prepared. But how do you prepare for the death & burial of your wee infant son? - other then just going through the motions.

I wish I could have gone shopping and picked out a sweet little outfit that we could have dressed you in, instead of finding the smallest onesie (that unfortunately has a cat on it) in the limited selection of newborn clothes I had in the drawer.

If only I could have made you a little toque 'with love from mom' for your perfect little head instead of the too big/funky farm animals toque that looks (to me) so inappropriate.

Oh the 'I wishes' and 'what-if's'.

I AM thankful tho, that I was able to pick out a soft blanket to wrap you in. Thankful that I had the opportunity to pick something special out for you amidst the chaos. Thankful for the fog to clear a bit in my head to be able to do that...