This has been on my heart lots the past few months.
Prayer.
I prayed a prayer almost exactly 4 years ago (I'm sure I could find out the exact date in my journal but I don't want to 'go there' right now...)
Can't remember if I've blogged about this before, but the prayer was something along the lines of this:
Dear God,
I feel like my faith is weak. I want to have passion for you and to fully trust in you. Please draw near to me and help me to see You. I don't know what this looks like, but please, please don't take my husband or growing child!......but if You do.....please NEVER leave me....
And then January 23rd came along.
Do I regret praying that prayer? No.
Did God answer my prayer and was He faithful? YES!
Did my faith grow and give me a passions for Him? Yes.
So, what is my problem? I'm scared to pray.
I'm scared to hurt.
But don't you see the beauty in that pain and how you have grown? Yes.
But I never, ever, want to relive that pain again. Nor anything like it.
So here I am, paralyzed by the fear to pray.
Don't get me wrong, I pray, but I am very cautious with my wording and often prayers are cut short or simplified.
"Dear God, keep Brian safe as he works."
I'm scared even to the point of asking for simple things like humility or patience.
I've learned that those prayers usually mean I will have to hurt.
I don't want to hurt. Again. Anymore.
Does that mean I don't have faith? I don't know.
Don't I want to grow in character and most importantly, God? Yes!
But I'm scared. To pray.
I haven't really struggled with this the past 4 years, since that night, but definitely the past few months.
I've shoved it aside for a while but I know that it is time to face it.
So, here I am. Scared.
6 comments:
I would be scared to pray too. i totally get that you don't want to ask for something that would cause such pain again. and i trust that God knows that. but i don't think that means you just get past it! You suffer through a major loss and just because God hasn't left you and loves you, doesn't mean you get over the pain or the fear right away (or ever?).
I hadn't thought of this aspect before - maybe because i didn't know the prayer you prayed (but i've prayed it too!). i have thought about the fear you might experience through your pregnancies, but hadn't thought about this legitimate fear to pray. thanks for sharing...i'll be praying for you!!
i hear you, j... my fears are different... (will He hear me? do i matter to Him?) but there is fear there too... Prayer has definitely been my journey this year too. i'm looking forward to part 2. (& i'm confident there is a part 2, despite your question mark :)
I really understand where you are coming from. I don't fear praying, but have felt God on many levels so similar what you are portraying here. When I had a bad feeling the night before my 38 wk appointment and after we found no heart beat, I prayed to God "Please let me handle whatever it is your will is. Be with me, help me." God has been there. There was one night, shortly after Mackenzie was born, I lay in bed feeling like a ton of bricks were sittig on my chest disabling me from breathing. I prayed, "Jesus, God, please hold me, lift me during this time, help me to rest." Moments later I felt that weight lift, and comfort around me as I fell fast asleep.
God is with you, He understands your fear and adores you cause you know His power.
Jen,
That is completely understandable. If that has been your experience in prayer, it makes complete sense that you would be a bit fearful, especially at THIS time, to pray that prayer again.
I know that when we were going through our Beth Moore Esther Bible Study (SO good - you should do it with a group of girls!) a lesson that really hit me was when she challenged us to face our fears, like Esther did, even in the face of DEATH. And when the "What if"s jump out at us, to ANSWER them....Ie: "What if I go through a loss again" Then....it would be really hard, and I don't know if I could bear it. "What if I couldn't bear it?" Then....people would surround me and carry the burden for me. But what if it really really hurt? Then....it would. But somehow I would make it through the hurt. And to keep asking these questions and realize that even if everything else is stripped away, there is STILL God, right there..."Should that which we fear the most come upon us" He is still God, and He is still good.
Maybe that's little consolation in the face of fear, yet the maker of the Universe commanding us (more than ANY other command in the Bible) NOT to fear has GOT to mean something.
Anyways, it helped me through some of my hardest times...I know He will honor your desire to seek Him.
Love you sister,
Corrie
I totally agree with corrie. I want to paint those words from the story of the fiery furnace somewhere in my house, "and if not"....
I totally "get this." I think for me it was a "not knowing who God is" issue. I use to think that all God cared about was my conformity and that if I asked Him to help me He would heap as much "hellishness" on me as He could until I would conform. I hated that b/c I too, am terrified of pain. God has been teaching me in the last five years that pain is not bad. I actually wrote about this in my book b/c I think it's such a huge problem. Everyone is terrified of pain. And it's no wonder! We live in a world that tries every method imaginable to deaden pain. I think we've lost the beauty of it. And believe me, it's scary for me to even write this b/c my natural self automatically thinks...."now God is gonna give me pain b/c I said that." It's so deeply ingrained in me....this fear of pain. I think we need to focus more on the beauty that is produced b/c of the pain. To be honest, I can't really think of any times in my life where I grew significantly without pain. I need pain...as much as I hate to say that. I guess the ONE thing that is different about me now is that I've seen God in a new way. I believe He loves me. I really do. I never did before. When I was going through pain I would always think..."if I was God I would never allow my daughter to go through something like that." I mean honestly...isn't there another WAY He could teach me that lesson. Does He have to strip me of my child?! But I don't think it's so much that He DID that to me. It's just He allowed it to happen and it happened b/c we live in a fallen world.
But Jen, the thing that is most incredible to me is that...even though I DO live in a fallen world and pain is bound to come knocking at my door...I HAVE HOPE!
Because Jesus loves me and I will NEVER have to walk through my pain alone. NEVER. He will always CARRY me through it. And if I let Him...He will always bring me through the other side of pain...more beautiful than I was before. And as I grow more beautiful His face will be a little bit clearer than it was before....and THAT is worth every bit of pain.
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