Memories of & Thoughts on Birth

Preliminary Note: In no way am I saying my thoughts on labour/delivery are the *right* way and I am not judging if you do things differently. Sometimes I word things which can come across wrong - these are just my ramblings :)

A few times these last couple weeks that subject has come up in my head. I guess it's that time to start thing about & preparing for the upcoming birth of this little one. The thought brings many feelings - those of nervousness, excitement, panic & wonder. Sometimes I think: "ah, I've done this a couple times...no biggie". Other times I get a little worried about my body maybe not being as fit as it has been in the past or if my body or this baby will be 'uncooperative' making things a bit more difficult.

But instead of worrying and wondering, I want to prepare my body, my mind and my heart.

The day leading up to Brennan's birth wasn't one of a relaxed setting or a time of making sure I have all my birthing books read and labour position sheet in hand...no, it was a time of confusion, disbelief...just going through the motions. Not having time or even the thought to google "how to make the best of your stillbirth experience", I just did what people told me and took things as they came. 24 hours after we found out Brennan was gone I was induced. It felt chemical. It didn't feel right - my body and mind rebelling. The contractions came fast and hard (especially for an unripe & first birth body as well as having no help from the little one within). They piggybacked and only let off some in between.

There was beauty in it too - unconsciously I was willingly accepting this pain & this great job as one last thing I could physically do as his earthly momma.

I asked for morphine because my Dr has told me earlier that morning to take anything/everthing for the pain "because I was going to be going through enough pain as it was"
The morphine took the 'edge' off and gave me breaks inbetween each contraction.
A few hours later, after labouring on our own (which I am thankful for), I was asking for an epidural and they were wheeling me down to the L&D room. Once arriving there & begging to push, I was told I was 9cm and could push once the Dr arrived (who had been paged). Because the end was so close I refused the epidural.

I'll never forget the picture of that limp/lifeless body on the bed. One of those things that is burned in my memory.

In some ways I regret taking the morphine - knowing I didn't quite do 'everything' I could have as his momma BUT I also know that it helped me *enjoy* his birth more.
I'm not beating myself up over it.
It's kinda interesting to me tho that I look back at his birth with a tiny bit more fondness then with Kellan's. Because of the induction I would say overall it was more painful even with the morphine but it was a crazy rollercoaster that over time became very beautiful to me.
I think the 2nd time around a lot of fear & unknown clouded my mind...so I am excited for what's in store for the arrival of this little one.

Kellan's birth was much different. I knew I wanted a natural labour but because of the fear of what I know can happen - I would have jumped at any opportunity of an induction. Thankfully God knew what I needed and his timing was perfect.
3 days overdue I enjoyed a relaxing morning of labouring at home then off to the hospital for a few short hours. The contractions were just as painful but they felt different. They felt *right*. I felt on top of them - where as with Brennan I felt completely out of control & lost.

I remember my last couple contractions crying because it was almost too much - but I knew I was transitioning and that if would be over soon. Brian called for the Dr & nurses as I was ready to push - well almost ready. One of the worst parts of Brennan's labour was trying not to push - it's an undescribable feeling really - so I wanted the Dr to be ready when I wanted to push. I was almost 10 cm and he let me push but secretly in my mind I knew I should have waited a few more contractions.
I could definately tell the difference in the size of my boys. 2 pushes compared to 1/2 hour (not that that is really anything to complain about). Pushing feels like the last leg of a race - you find some strength somewhere and the contractions are easier because you are working with them instead of through them.
As soon as Kellan was born I remember feeling nothing. I watched them take his blue body over to the table and thinking "there is my baby" but with no emotion.

It's amazing what that first cry can do...

So, I will ponder on my birthing experiences - taking mental notes as to what I would do again and what I wouldn't.
Hoping that it will be natural again but not making any rules or promises to myself.
Someday I might consider a midwife or an at home birth but because of my medical background I'm happy with birthing at the hospital. Not only because of the "what if's" but also because I kinda thrive on the medical jargon and all the monitors & beeps (as distracting as they are).
My Dr broke my water and gave me an episiotomy with Kellan - both without asking. I haven't totally thought completely through that but it will probably be a discussion I will have with my Dr. I know he will argue about the episiotomy because of Kellan's shoulder dystocia and the probability of having another big baby.

Anyways, I've just started this discussion in my head and know there will be much more thought about it. Probably another post or two.
Sometimes I think myself crazy...but I love births (experiencing & hearing others). It's a beautiful & productive pain - with the most amazing gift at the end!
(Secretly, I'm really looking forward to it :S )

Any resources that you found helpful - feel free to let me know. I'm all about preparing - it's kinda like nesting but for the body & mind.