...post something here for a while. I have a few posts 1/2 written in the drafts file but haven't finished any of them.
That day is coming again. Saturday it will be 2 years...
I've been pushing it back in my mind for a while now. Some days I dread it, other days I'm ok with it.
Today I'm planning and staring it straight in the face.
Over the past year I've noticed I've let my practical side take control and let my emotional side take a back seat - and a few times now I've regretted that. It's still to fresh to not make things a big deal.
I had a rough time after Christmas. I didn't buy him anything to put in his stocking and we didn't visit him either. My practical side saying "he doesn't need anymore teddy bears on his grave or trinkets on the mantel...why bother going to visit if there is a 4 foot drift and we will be going there anyways in a month...", and later my emotional side saying "I'm a bad mom for not doing those little things".
So, for this birthday I want to be prepared. I want to do those little things.
I have a letter waiting to be written, I want to get a little candle that we can light on his birthday (or other special days) and I'm going to go get groceries for a special dinner.
I want my heart to be ready. To embrace and celebrate his life.
1 comment:
i knew this post was coming.
i hope you're going for the caesar salad & oj again...
j- sometimes if we let the crushing weight of our grief overwhelm us, we'd never get out from underneath it. You honour Brennan every single day - in every decision that you make, in every phrase where you acknowledge his life & in every moment that your changed face greets the world. You don't have to grieve or *act* the way that anyone else would have you act but yourself. It is a blessing to me to remember Brennan with you & to hold his memory in a tender place in my heart.
i love how you plan & allow your emotional side and your practical side to merge as you mother from afar. You are the sweetest & most tender mama - love you.
We will be thinking of a cherubic little 2 year old on the 23rd. i sure wish i could have met & held him...
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