six

He would be 6 today.  I'm kinda getting tired of these birthdays...not that I ever enjoyed them, but they come around too often...
I usually do a lot of reflecting and the hard grieving the days leading up to his birthday but this year I didn't.  Not sure if I was just avoiding it or because I was too busy.  Probably a little of both.  I wish I had - makes the birthday itself a little easier.
Today I woke up and didn't have a shower.  Not because I was in the depths of despair, but because my hair looked awesome.  Now that's its 2:52 pm I have red eyes and overly greasy locks - I'm going for the hot mess look now... fitting maybe?
I've got caesar salad fixings ready to go and a can of orange juice thawing on the counter.  I picked up a lame bouquet to attempt to recreate his funereal flowers - another tradition.  Oh, and a save-on foods cheesecake is tempting me from the fridge.  The same kind we gorged on on our getaway after we lost him.  I like that I like traditions.  Gives me a purpose on these days and forces me to celebrate him when sometimes I'd rather not.
The kitchen is a mess.  I have the Okanagan Walk to Remember playlist serenading me in the background.  The K's are watching movies for the 2nd hour, but the biggest one just informed that this was their last one...   The not so little one is kicking the wall while still trapped in her crib after nap.  And the littlest nameless one is calming my soul as he/she also kicks the walls of its nourishing nest.
I looked at Brennan's photo album today with my 3 year old.  I'm not so great at explaining the deeper things to these little ones so I think she left more confused than anything.  But she told me that Brennan lives with Jesus and she wants to live with Jesus too so I guess that's all the matters.
At work yesterday I was chatting with an elderly lady that lost her twins at birth.  She said she hasn't gotten over them yet.... I guess I shouldn't expect to get over him anytime soon....

not that I want to.

Spring!...kinda

It's pretty embarrassing that I have only blogged about once a month this past year.  :/
I'm not going to lie.  3 kids has been a stretch for me.  Y'know how every mom/family has that number where they notice the biggest adjustment?  Well 3 is mine.

Sloan is a good baby.  She sleeps through the night, eats well and is very content.  BUT she also has bad reflux and has dropped down to the 3rd %ile :(  We are currently doing a medication trial (which is definitely NOT working today....) and go back for a check in a couple weeks.  If things aren't looking good then off to a specialist.  She can sit up on her own and is very, very close to crawling!  She loves most foods and reminds us a lot of Kalli at this age.

Found her like this one day :)....


K & K are good.  Kellan is smart, sensitive, goofy, bossy, and wants to be just like his Daddy.  Kalli is funny, wild, loving, mischievous, and always up for a good time. As of the past month they are both potty trained except Kalli at night!  I am very excited about this!  I was very much dreading potty training with Kalli (and it ended up dragging on because of my lack of enthusiasm) but it's finally nice to be past the worst of it!

Learning some numbers...

This is how they play outside....note the enthusiasm...

Our morning smoothies....

We are very excited for spring, and most days it looks and feels like spring around here!  Every once in a while we wake up to a skiff of snow on the ground but most days it's a little more hopeful.  2 weekends ago we did a big spring clean on the yard (raking, worked up the garden, trimmed trees, etc) and now things are greening up nicely and lots of buds forming on the trees!  Spring in March takes a bit to get used to, but something I will quite enjoy!!!

Laundry is something that is NEVER done around here.  As is the vacuuming, mopping, cooking, dishes....well, pretty much everything.  Practice makes perfect I guess....right??

Speaking of laundry...

FIVE YEARS

100_6764, a photo by BJvT on Flickr.

I had words yesterday but none seem to come today. Instead, I'll just share this picture of the 4 beautiful lives God has blessed us with...

On Children (A hot topic with lots of ??)

I'm starting this post with no real clear direction.  I've got a topic, but I don't really know what I think, believe, or feel about it.  (Or more importantly what God thinks about it).

It's been more of a hot topic in our conversations and on my mind a lot lately.

Babies.  Children.  How many?  Birth control?  Family Planning?  

Rewind 10 years, and if you were to ask my almost husband and I how many kids we were going to have, we would both have answered "three".

I took the birth control pill (naively and a little ignorantly) for the first 3 years of our marriage. Then when we bought our first home we decided it was "time to start our family".  (We had our life nicely figured out in 1, 5, 10 and 20 year increments.....I laugh at that now since we usually aren't planned a week in advance anymore - let alone a year!)

One month later we passed our first pregnancy test and thus started our crazy journey and my first taste of 'real' life.

Pregnancy was blissful.  

Then our world shattered and so did the skull that protected my faithless, unmarred and in-the-box thinking.  

Who is God?  Who am I?  What is life?  

Fast forward 5 years.

We now have 4 pregnancies under our belt, and blessed with 3 healthy children.  We are both open to another, but then there is a big pause.  Is there a period after 4 or is there a comma?  And are WE to decide that or is God?  And an even bigger question is, what does decide mean??  A quick preventative surgery?  Non-pill birth control?  Planning, timing, charting...?

Culture (as well as my own selfishness) screams down my neck saying "you're crazy!" 

But a thought that rocks me to the core is, how can we say "no" to another when we ache and long for one that was?

Why would we want to prevent a blessing?  A financial burden, filled with more stress, more running around, more sleepless nights, more mess......but more blessing!?

I do know one thing.... that God has called me to wrestle with this, so wrestle I will.

(It was much easier to avoid this thought/topic when you have one or 2 babies at home and you feel like you've got all the time in the world and you can deal with it later.....well, later is approaching....little one is 6 months and we all know how my track record is for getting pregnant...)

These days

The fact that I have exceeded my gmail/blogger photo limit makes me not want to blog.  And I can't figure out Flickr.... BUT I will try my best to move past the fact that I can't show off my adorable children ;)

Christmas holidays was pretty awesome.  Special times with our little family, memories made with extended family, lots of fun, and little sleep, but lots of relaxing!

Kellan is FOUR!  He received Lego for Christmas which he loved!  I am not a fan of tiny little pieces everywhere.....but I don't think I will be able to stop the inevitable...
Kalli seems to be ever changing these days - she's kind of a mystery to me.  So, I'm trying to be gentle and sensitive to her and to not dampen her little spirit.
Sloan is 6 months old tomorrow!!!  BAH!  Apparently I'm not even close to even consider her a newborn, BUT thankfully she is still a baby :)  She loves to roll and tries with all her might to sit up.  She has pretty amazing abs - unlike her mother these days.... :/

My new years resolution is to get Sloan to sleep through the night and to potty train Kalli.  I am MUCH more excited about one than the other....  It's only 4 days in and I only had to put in Sloan's soother once last night and she went 12.5 hours between feeds!!!
Aaaaand, I'm ignoring the whole potty training thing.... :/

2013

Have you ever blogged so much that you've run out of things to write about??

Me neither.

Maybe I'll break the ice with...

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!!!

:)

A little glimpse

Here is a sneak peek into our 1st annual walk.  Our speaker, Fawne, shared her experience in this blog post: Walk to Remember

Getting excited to WALK!

4 1/2 weeks until the BIG day!  Seriously!!  The emotions that are going through me these days are sheer nervousness...with a little smidge of excitement!  SO many things to do!  SO many things we've done!  And SO many unknowns!  I'm PLEADING for good weather!  HOPING for a good turnout!  And PRAYING for those who will come, that they will be blessed and ministered to through this.  (And I might throw in a prayer now and then asking that the day isn't a total flop! :/  My confidence is lacking most days...)  Our program isn't anywhere near put together.  I have no idea how many people to plan for!  We're over budget and under sponsored.  The main event (balloon release) is being threatened!  Barely any pre-registrations. No luck getting donations of snacks or drinks...
BUT!!!...
I feel loved and supported through this!  We've had a fairly positive response.  73 people have checked out the website!  61 likes on our Facebook page!  We've had some pretty generous donations!  I know, without a doubt, that this is what God wants me to do and I can feel His amazing strength and peace!  And, I'm so thankful I have the opportunity to do this for my sweet baby boy...

So I will keep moving forward!  32 days!!!

September is here!

This summer has been good.  SO good.  Gonna have to say it's been the best one ever!
Obviously, having another sweet little baby to hold tops the chart, but living in this gorgeous place with so many things to do has been so great!  And having such great friends and family to hang out and visit with is another amazing blessing.
Last week we went camping in the woods & mountains and it was a fabulous time with family and just us too.  Can't beat quiet mornings sitting by the lake, fellowship around a campfire and beautiful hikes savoring God's creation!

But now that September is here, I am ready for schedules and the structure of life that we let go of with a new baby and summer.  I'm itching to start a new routine and get back to daily grinds.  I have an odd urge to fall/spring clean & organize my house (weird I know! - it's like I'm nesting...) but I'll hold off until November comes around and Walk to Remember is done.  I have a new big calendar on my fridge and I'll be printing off chore & schedule charts for the kids tomorrow, but for now, I will enjoy this last lazy day of summer....

Summer thus far...

Wow.  I'm pretty horrible at blogging.

We've been having an awesome summer.  Lots of company, adventures and fun.  A little sleep and chaos too of course ;)

Here is our life in pictures over the past months...

(August so far...)

One of our new favorite spots - hiking at the not-so-snowy ski mountain

Loving all the cuddles

A cutie in a cute diaper cover :) - THANKS Lola!

Christening Sloan in the lake - our 100% Okanagan girl

A fun & girlie 2 year old birthday party!

A visit from Brian's aunt - and a morning at O'keefe Ranch

 Boat day!  (the next best thing than having a really nice boat, is having friends with a really nice boat! ;)

 Friends!

Auntie Corrie!

(July & first days home...)

Our first outing!

Loving his new daughter....not too sure what to do with 2 girls tho...;)  We always thought we'd have a slew of rowdy boys!

Grandma came! and fun at the Orchard

Best Big brother ever!

Hee hee!

AND Opa & Oma came to visit!!

One of many beach days

Cherry picking!

Sloan Verity

I'm writing this as I gaze at my 11 day old beauty who is cuddled up beside me on the couch.  I'm in love and we're all doing good.  The midwife came a few days ago and baby is back up to her birth weight already....just reminded me that these days of a wee tiny newborn are so quick and fleeting....

So, while it is still mostly fresh in my memory, I will write Sloan's birth story...

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

SLOAN VERITY- our little warrior for truth

Sloan ~ warrior

(a name I fell in love with in high school when I met a dear friend and her precious little daughter Sloan....this friend has been one of the hugest blessings and encouragement in my life)

Verity ~ truth

(also a name I fell in love with the minute I heard it and also a name I totally stole...with permission of course ;)

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

July 5th -

The kidlets got me up early so we were cuddling on the couch waiting for Daddy to wake up.  I had been having some serious braxton hicks over the last couple days and throughout the night had cramps and indigestion-like stomach ache off and on.   As we were lying there I decided to see if I could time the (painless) contractions - sure enough, they were every 5 minutes, lasting 30-40 seconds.  I kept an eye on them throughout the morning and they stayed pretty consistent, getting a bit longer and started to feel more crampy.  Brian was working an afternoon shift, so when he was getting ready to leave I told him that he might only be able to get one load in (he was driving locally that week and on a regular day they do 2 - 4 1/2 hr round trips).  

Nesting turned into high gear so I plopped the kids down in front of a movie and got to work ;)  

Early afternoon I lost my mucous plug and by the way things were progressing I was pretty sure this was the 'real deal'. So, I texted Brian and my s-i-l (who was on stand by for taking our kids) and gave them the heads up.  I finished packing the last minute things in our bags and kissed the kids goodbye as Auntie came and picked them up.

Brian got home around 3, so after he showered we decided instead of sitting around at home thinking about labor, we would go out for one last date :)  There was no self control or guilt with this ice cream!

After our ice cream stopped we headed to a pretty park close to the hospital and walked around trying to keep labor progressing.  

(We came across a broken water line, and couldn't resist the photo-op.  Thankfully my water didn't break until we were at the hospital ;)

Getting my workout in :)

My awesome sidekick:

I wasn't ready to go to the hospital yet, but since I was group B strep and needed antibiotics, I called my midwife to see if I needed to come in early or what she recommended.  At this point, my contractions were getting painful (not able to walk through some), lasting 40-60 seconds, every 3-5 minutes.  My midwife said to come to the hospital for my first dose of antibiotics, she would check me and we would go from there.

We got to the hospital around 6:30, had my first dose of antibiotics and found out I was 3-4 cm.  My midwife gave us the option of going home or staying.  I told her at this point in my other labors it only took another 3-4 hours so we wouldn't go home, but would maybe go find Brian something to eat before the chaos ensued.  So, we went to Subway....I thought the contractions would ease off a bit since I would be sitting and resting, but that was not the case.  Nothing like sitting outside of a restaurant trying to act natural throughout a serious contraction when people are walking by...!

At 8 pm we got back to the hospital where we picked our room (it's a brand spanking new hospital with huge private rooms & bathrooms) and settled in for the long haul.  Contractions were 60 seconds long every 3-4 min.  For the next hour or so I labored on the birth ball and we walked the halls.  Baby was lying more on my left side so I moved into some positions to help 'her' move into a straighter position.  I started having to breathe through some contractions and after one long trip up and down the hall of back to back contractions and feeling a bit of pressure we decided to stay in the room before Brian had to carry me back...

At 9pm, my midwife said she would check me again if I was feeling rectal pressure, so after a couple more hard contractions I managed to climb on the bed where she said I was 8-9 cm.  I had planned on finishing laboring and birthing in the tub, but at this point it was a little late.  I decided I wanted to try squatting, but because I knew I NEEDED something to grip onto (or should I say 'hang on for dear life') they put the head of the bed up so I could hang on. The next few contractions that I had in this position were 'nice' because for some reason the break in between was almost pain-free and I was able to rest and gear up for the end. 
At about 9:30, my nice breaks were over and things got intense!  I felt baby move down a bit and the first feelings of being 'pushy'.  Things seemed to stall for a bit at this point (in comparison to my other deliveries) but thinking back now, my water hadn't broke yet so that was probably the reason.  (She had offered to break my water when she checked me but I decided against it since I had never experienced it breaking on it's own.)
9:45 - I started to slowly push and then my water broke.  After a few more contractions I really felt the urge to push.  Baby didn't come as quickly as I was expecting (or hoping) but finally I pushed her (very distinctly yellow-blonde haired) head out, and while my midwife told me not to push as baby rotated, 'she' let out her first cry!  2 huge pushes later our 8 lbs 2 oz. girl was born!!!

Her cord stopped pulsating after a few minutes so my (loving & supportive) husband (and proud Daddy!) did the honors of cutting it.  (Why didn't I think of grabbing the camera in between contractions or pushes so I could include a picture of my awesome support and labor coach?!!)

Sloan had some grunty/sighing respirations which my midwife was a bit concerned about, and since I had only had one dose of antibiotics (they like 2) they thought it was best to keep her in the nursery overnight.  I was a bit bummed about that but knew it was safer to have them keep a close eye on her.  We cuddled her for a couple hours then decided we should at least try to get some sleep - something I'm not good at in hospitals.

My night was rough.  Or should I say my after birth pains were rough.  I think I did manage to get a couple hours of sleep in between feeds, popping Tylenol & Ibuprofen, bathroom breaks (they had me hooked up to an IV of oxytocin since my uterus wasn't behaving very well), and just plain old 'I can't sleep' syndrome.  Finally, morning came and some extra adrenaline kicked in!

We we hoping and planning on leaving just after breakfast, but my midwife was paged to another birth just as she was leaving from mine so she didn't come see us until early afternoon (she hadn't gone to sleep yet!)  And unfortunately, Sloan's breathing wasn't better so between my midwife and the paediatrician on call they decided to have me stay for 48 hours to make sure she didn't get an infection.  Again we were bummed but knew it was best.  Brian went home to get me a few things, then picked up the kids and went home for the night.
Fast forward to the next afternoon, my midwife came in to check us again and Sloan was much improved so we got to go home!!

(So thankful for these people...)

We are thrilled and so blessed by this new little girl, and she is settling in quite nicely here at home. My Mom came for 5 days to help out and Brian's parents are coming this weekend.  Today was my first solo day and it was better than expected.  I am, however, ready for bed!